Monday, September 12, 2011

Dear Diary...Notre Dame - Michigan

Ladies and gents, the running diary is back! We’re coming to you live from a new college football headquarters in The Big Apple. We’ve got a crowd of five here to witness the first night game ever in the history of the biggest and amazingly not loud Michigan Stadium. Let’s get to it!

7:59 Our first look at The Big House. IT’S NOT EVEN NIGHT YET! YOU FAILED! There have still been zero night games in The Big House.

8:01 First look at the retro jerseys. They’re fine, I just hate the helmet. Why the hell are we bringing back anything from the Kucharich Era?

8:07 And here come the Wolverines tapping their little sign. Will Hoke try to get up and touch it? Yes! He gets there! A victory for fat people everywhere! Good for him!

8:08 HEEEEEERE COME THE IRISH! They don’t seem particularly fired up. I’m hoping that it’s just because they’re focused and ready to kick some ass.

8:11 Catholic School Girl Throwback Cheerleader Outfits? Meeeeeh…

8:12 There was a lot of buildup for how sweet the flyover was going to be. What’d they do? An old cargo plane. Sweet, Michigan. You want to impress me do something like Iowa.

8:14 Dr Flanagan gets the week off, it’s Erin Andrews’ time to shine! BK is rocking a phenomenally stylish visor. He seems so in control, I bet he doesn’t yell at all this whole game. The Irish have won and deferred.

8:16 Manti Te’o STUFFS the ‘Nard Dog on second down. IN YOUR GRILL ALL DAY #16!

8:18 Three and out for the Skunkbears. Couldn’t ask for a better start. My heart stopped a second when Goodman fielded that punt, but we’ve successfully not screwed up out of the gate. I feel like the fact that my reaction right away is “good, we haven’t screwed up yet” is a sign we’ve still got a long way to go.

8:19 One play, one first down on the ground. Cierre for 11. Beautiful.

8:21 Great throw by Tommy to Michael Floyd for a huge gain.

8:22 Rees fumbles the snap and disaster almost strikes, but we recover.

8:23 TOOOOOUUUUCCCCCHHHDDDDDOOOOOOWWWNNNNNN IRISH!!!!! REES TO RIDDICK ON 3RD AND GOAL FOR A TOUCHDOWN. TALK ABOUT YOUR BEST CASE SCENARIO. Ruffer splits the uprights and it’s 7-0 good guys.

8:28 The defense has come out with guns blazing. Back-to-back tackles by KLM and it’s third and long.

8:29 Another three and out for the Skunkbears. Uhhhhh ohhhhhh….you’re not in San Diego anymore, Mr. Hoke.

8:30 Most conservative fair catch ever there. Whatever, we’ve got the ball.

8:33 One play, another first down on a dump to Jonas Gray.

8:34 Another big run for the Irish. The offensive line is MAULING Michigan right now.

8:37 Musberger comments that “Brady Hoke’s defense is under fire from the Irish early.” Yeeeeeeeep!

8:40 A slant to Michael Floyd has the Irish inside the 10-yard line with 2:40 left in the half. Come on boys, pound it in there.

8:42 TOUCHDOOOOOOWWWNNNN IRISH!!!!!!! CIERRE WOOD BUSTS UP THE MIDDLE BASICALLY UNTOUCHED TO ADD TO THE NOTRE DAME LEAD. The Irish are MANHANDLING the Skunkbears right now. Talk about just what the doctor ordered. Bust out the whine and cheese in The Big House. 14-0 IRISH.

8:45 Denard tries to roll out and make something happen but he’s completely swarmed by Ethan Johnson and Ishaq Williams among others for a loss. Good to see Ishaq cracking the lineup.

8:46 Robinson takes a quarterback keeper on the next play for a first down. Damn he’s fast.

8:47 INTERCEPTION GARY GRAY!!!! Denard can’t even complete a screen pass let alone a real pass. He sails it on the last play of the corner and Gray dives to make the easy pick. GAS THEM IRISH, SEND 114,000 PEOPLE HOME IN TIME TO CATCH THE START OF MADTV.

8:53 Three and out for ND. Damn, what a lost opportunity there. Out trots the shankopotomus who thankfully doesn’t completely blow it. Michigan ball at the 13.

8:58 Big run by the ‘Nard Dog.

9:02 The Irish hold and it’s another punt for the Skunkbears. A negative return for Goodman. That brings his career averge to -1.0 yards per return with 18 fair catches. Ugh.

9:06 HUGE play for Floyd on first down taking a swing pass in the flat, undressing the DB, and picking up 25 yards.

9:08 ND burns its final timeout with 11 minutes left in the second quarter. Wow, I hate to say this out loud but that’s Davie-esque. I hope it doesn’t come back to bite us in this footbawww game.

9:10 Interception Tommy Rees. Terrible throw, terrible decision. This is the big reason I haven’t been able to buy into him. He’s very turnover prone for a guy that’s a purported “game manager.” Michigan ball at the ND 45.

9:12 Touchdown Michigan. Bomb/prayer to the left sideline. Crap. 14-7 Irish. Need to bounce back and put together a drive here. Get back to pounding the ball.

9:20 And BK answers my request with a handoff to Cierre Wood—huge run on second down.

9:23 Back-to-back penalties from Notre Dame 2nd and 26.

9:24 Well, time to go back to the well that is Michael Floyd. Big #3 snares a lob down the right sideline for 25.9999999 yards, bringing up a 3rd and one inch.

9:25 First down, Irish.

9:26 I just noticed the Ben Hogan referee hats. Do you think they refer to the players as “laddie?”

9:29 Michael Floyd picks up another third down. Irish rolling.

9:30 Interception on the goal line. DAMNIT TOMMY. Rees if 4 for his last 10 with 2 INT’s.

9:32 Three and out for the Skunkbears. Denard is just a terrible passing quarterback. He’s made for the spread and nothing else.

9:35 Jonas Gray picks up a first down on 3rd and 5 right up the gut.

9:38 Drive stalls. Ruffer comes in and splits the uprights and ND goes up 17-7 with 1:45 left. I can’t say I’m upset.

9:42 Michigan takes a knee and we head to the half. Brady Hoke gets interviewed on his way into the locker room and once again everyone is reminded of how he has such an unfortunate voice for a big, burly dude.

Let’s take a look at the halftime stats.

Total Yards: Notre Dame – 268…Michigan – 94
(43 Yards of that came on a prayer…what a performance by the defense)

Denard’s Statline: 2 of 9 for 48 yards…7 carries for 40 yards
(He is a TERRIBLE passer…completely hopeless)

ND Rushing: 18 rushes for 102 yards, 5.7 per carry
(Great job by the Irish offensive line…75 yards for Cierre…thrilled about this)

Turnovers: Michigan – 0…Notre Dame – 2
(Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb)

We need to step on their throats. The gap between these teams is very large; we can’t let them hang around. It’s time to start developing a killer instinct tonight.

10:07 The Irish receive the second half kickoff and they’re already on the march. Cierre Wood rips off another big run and he’s up to 98 yards for the evening.

10:09 The drive stalls and Turk actually does a great job fielding a terrible snap—Jordan Cowart, wake the hell up and remember how to snap a football, IT’S YOUR ONLY JOB—and pins the Skunkbears at the 11 yard line.

10:13 First play is a 39-yard run by the ‘Nard Dog. Shit.

10:15 Hoke has given up his offense and is going back to the “Here Denard, just take it and run” offense. The Irish have responded and it’s 3rd and long.

10:16 The Irish hold and it’s time for another punt. WAY TO STEP UP DEFENSE!

10:20 HUGE RUN by Jonas Gray, 38 yards. JAM IT DOWN THEIR THROATS BOYS!!!

10:22 Fumble Cierre Wood and Michigan recovers. COME ON, GIVE ME A GODDAMN BREAK. WHEN ARE WE GOING TO LEARN TO STEP ON A TEAM AND BURY THEM.

10:25 Michigan picks up a conversion on third down on pass. Whenever something good happens through the air for them I’m completely shocked.

10:25 INTERCEPTION ZEKE MOTTA! ‘NARD DOG IS SOOOOO BAAAAAAAD.

10:26 First play is a huge run by Cierre Wood…24 yards. Way to bounce back #20.

10:28 Michael Floyd picks up another conversion on third down. PUNCH IT IN IRISH.

10:30 Dayne does a great job helping Cierre stretch his wrist on the sideline. See, he’s the consummate team player.

10:31 That should’ve been pass interference in the endzone on Floyd. Bullshit.

10:32 TOUCHDOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWNNNNNN IIIIRRRRRRIIIIISSSSSHHHHHH! TJ JONES ON THE CROSSING PATTERN! THE IRISH HAVE TAKEN COMPLETE CONTROL OF THIS GAME. Let’s see if ‘Nard Dog can pass them back.

Wait, let me think about that…HAHAHAHAHAHA.

10:37 Of course the first play is a huge pass and it’s first and goal Michigan. Robert Blanton saves a touchdown coming across from the other side of the field. Well ain’t that some shit.

10:40 It’s 3rd and goal from the one foot line as the 3rd quarter ends. If we could get a stop here the game is over. As well as we’ve played I don’t feel good about containing Denard short of the endzone here.

10:45 Michigan gets STONED AT THE LINE, FUMBLES, AND PICKS UP THE GODDAMN BALL AND SCORES. You. Have. To. Be. Kidding. Me. That’s the luck of Notre Dame football over the last two decades. Unreal. Notre Dame 24, Michigan 14.

10:48 Terrible return by Riddick backs ND at the 10-yard line.

10:51 Wood picks up 8 big yards on 2nd down. Setting up a third and short.

10:51 Cierre Wood is dragged down behind the line and it’s three and out for Notre Dame. This is what happens when you let them hang around. The feeling nausea of nausea from 2009 is rumbling…

10:52 Ben Turk shanks a punt. This is the 54th time I’ve written that in two years. Still no one has stepped up and maimed him. That should basically count as a turnover. How the hell can you be Reggie Roby in practice and be this incredibly terrible whenever we need you to show up???? Michigan’s ball with momentum and great field position.

10:55 Dan Fox snipes ‘Nard Dog on first down for a five yard loss. COME ON BABY, BURY THEM.

10:55 Play action throw to the fullback goes for 15 and a first down. Damnit.

10:57 Michigan’s fifth play of this drive means it’s the longest drive of the night. They have not had a drive longer than four plays all night and yet they’re still alive. Unbelievable.

11:00 Touchdown Michigan. Gary Gray gets burned. Unreal. Absolutely terrible. Notre Dame 24, Michigan 21. This is atrocious. That sickening feeling is back in full force.

11:02 Great return by Theo Riddick gives the Irish good field position.

11:03 Holding on second down backs Notre Dame up for a 2nd and 15.

11:05 Zero yards on a pass to Floyd. Third and a mile. And then we burn a timeout.

11:06 REES DELIVERS A STRIKE TO EIFERT FOR 20 YARDS. LADIES AND GENTS, THAT’S YOUR FIRST BOB DAVIE DROP THE H-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE OF THE NIGHT!

11:08 Another first down on a slant to Floyd, Irish at the Michigan 30.

11:10 Another Irish first down thanks to pass interference on TJ Jones. Irish ball at the 6-yard line. PUNCH IT IN.

11:11 Fumble, Tommy Rees. Michigan recovers. WOW. He just dropped the ball as he tried to throw. Mark it down, this is the first moment where I feel like we can lose this game. Please for the love of all that’s holy make it not so.

11:12 Denard delivers a strike for a first down BUT there’s a holding call. Huge call. COME ON IRISH, DIG DEEP.

11:14 Denard throws a jump ball into double coverage and Hemingway comes down with it at midfield. Tack on another 15 yards for a late hit and Michigan is on the 30 with under five minutes left. Harrison Smith and Zeke Motta…what the hell were you doing?!?!?!

11:15 INTERCEPTION ROBERT BLANTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT A PLAY BY RJ, HOLY SHIT, THAT’S A POTENTIAL GAME SAVER.

11:18 Notre Dame once again gets stuffed on 3rd and 1 and has to punt. Turk actually gets off a good punt, but a good return gives Michigan decent field position with two minutes left. Can the defense actually come through or will this be an exact replica of the 2009 game in The Big House? I need a handful of Xanax washed down with a gallon of Makers Mark.

11:22 Third and 2. Please stop them. Please.

11:23 MANTI THROTTLES DENARD but he gets the first down by a nose.

11:24 First down Michigan at the 21-yard line.

11:25 Touchdown Michigan. I’m going to throw up. Michigan 28, Notre Dame 24. Let’s see what kind of winner you are Tommy. 1:12 left, one timeout.

11:26 Nothing gets me jacked up at a football game like Taio Cruze. See, this is why we need a jumbotron at ND! Because we need to blare DY-NO-MITE to jack up the students! God Michigan sucks.

11:27 Good return for Riddick gives the Irish the ball at the 39. COME ON IRISH.

11:28 First play is a pass interference on Michael Floyd. If he wouldn’t have been held that’s easily six points. Safety help? What’s that? Irish ball at the 46.

11:29 Great throw to Eifert. First down at the 34.

11:29 Quick throw to TJ Jones and out of bounds. 2nd and 5.

11:30 Incomplete with 36 seconds left. 3rd and 5.

11:31 TOUCHDOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNNN IRRRRRRIIIIISSSSSSHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! HOOOOOLLLLLYYYYYYYY MOTHER OF GOD, TOMMMMMYYYYY RREEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS TO THEO RIDDDICK!!!!!!!! REDEMPTION! EUPHORIA! I JUST RAN AROUND THE ROOM LIKE JIMMY V LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO HUG!!!!

11:33 BRINDZA BOMBS IT OUT THE BACK OF THE ENDZONE. COME ON IRRRRRRRRIIISSSSSHHHHHHHHHH!

11:35 Michigan completes a bomb on second down. They’re in field goal range. I just swallowed my tongue.

11:37 Touchdown Michigan with two seconds left. Fade to black. I’m going to go kill myself now.

60 comments:

  1. dear notre dame fan,

    kindly place my balls in your mouth.

    love,
    Nard Dog

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  2. It's almost heartening, but mostly just sad, to see how much hope the ND faithful have after nearly two decades of mediocrity and ruined potential.

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  3. lol you missed the last play, thats the best part!

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  4. 11:41 Notre Lame muffs the squib kick and Michigan runs it in for another TD. Refs ignore TD out of pity for the Cryin' Irish.

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  5. You ND fans - every year you act like "this is the year you win a national championship" but you always wind up 7-5 or worse. You're delusional.

    Enjoy getting pummeled by Michigan State this week. MSU will stomp you into the mud. You couldn't stop
    a spread QB in his first year in a pro offense, now this week you face a 5th yr senior QB. I'm no MSU
    fan but I think they're going to crush you.

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  6. michigan fan here: too delicious.
    but seriously, thanks for leaving it up - it is a fun read.

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  7. Nice job, loser. Maybe next year???

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  8. Hahaha....ND is a prison bitch.

    kudos to you sir.

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  9. GET FUCKED, IRISH. I hope the schmuck who wrote this is still seeing 'Nard in his nightmares.

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  10. Irish Fan,
    This is Skunk Bear Fan...Suck it.

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  11. It's great to be a Michigan Wolverine. 'Nard Dog makes it four in a row next year.

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  12. ......Aaaaand year #18 in Notre Dame's eternal "Return to Glory" quest is shot down. LOL thanks for the laughs!

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  13. Guys, come on. Show some fucking class. We won. We shouldn't have. Quit acting like we're something special. We're not... yet. We got lucky more times than I care to count. As for next week, all I care is that Eastern gets creamed. I hate MSU and ND so I don't care who wins that one. I just want a lot of beaten up players for the Spartans before we play them...

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  14. Sooo funny!! Ripping on Denard for the whole game about how he's a bad passer and then Denard makes a game-winning pass. You absolutely deserved to lose. Suck it, Irish.

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  15. But I will add, I enjoyed every moment of your agony WNG. :)

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  16. I give u credit for finishing it. As a UM fan I would have called it quits at 7-24 and certainly at 28-31. I also apologize for the dick UM fans that have commented

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  17. 9:32 - "Denard is just a terrible passing quarterback. He’s made for the spread and nothing else."

    9:42 - "Denard’s Statline: "(He is a TERRIBLE passer…completely hopeless)"

    10:15 - "Hoke has given up his offense and is going back to the “Here Denard, just take it and run” offense"

    10:25 - " NARD DOG IS SOOOOO BAAAAAAAD."

    10:32 - "Let’s see if ‘Nard Dog can pass them back.

    Wait, let me think about that…HAHAHAHAHAHA."



    LOL

    Eat a DICK. That is all.

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  18. I'm not your biggest fan by any stretch, but you should have beaten us except for FOUR FREAKING TURNOVERS! Hold on to the ball next week and you'll bowl over Sparty. Go Blue/Go Irish

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  19. Hey Chrisy Poo in NC, we're not acting like michigan is anything special. We're simply laughing at this moron who spent the whole game ripping us. Karma is a bitch.

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  20. #1: "in the history of the biggest and amazingly not loud Michigan Stadium"

    LOL, coming from a ND fan... You're stadium is just a smaller and shittier version of the Big House.

    #2: "8:07 And here come the Wolverines tapping their little sign. Will Hoke try to get up and touch it? Yes! He gets there! A victory for fat people everywhere! Good for him!"

    LOL again.... hummmm, let me think about this one... don't you remember a man by the name of Charlie Weiss...

    Think before you said stupid shit you fucking idiot.

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  21. Time for a new coach? Better get the alums together and spring for a new billboard down in that hole known as South Bendover

    Lol

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  22. Absolutely CTFU reading this. What a douche this guy is. Suck it Irish. We're on the way back. Hoke is killing you in recruiting and it started when he flipped Justice Hayes. Nobody wants to play for a coach who acts like an ass and has skeletons galore in his closet. What I love the most is you will have to live with the highlights of this game being shown for the next 4 months. Suck it. Twice.

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  23. Hey Domers,

    On behalf of true Michigan Football Fans, I want to apologize for the classless remarks above.

    The truth is neither one of our teams is playing up to the high standards of former years. However I do like the direction both programs are going. The way ND dominated the 1st half reminded me of the days when we both had great teams loaded with talent that executed with precision. I believe we both have excellent coaching staffs in place and will soon be consistent top 15 programs.

    For any Michigan fan to gloat after watching the blown defensive assignments and poor execution on offense in the first half only demonstrates their ignorance.

    Good luck against State and we look forward to another great game next year at your place.

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  24. I think this is why razor blades should be banned in South Bend. This douche-bag, turd burglar probably either swallowed an entire box or ran one up and down his arms. Normally i wouldn't be opposed, but i love reading this morons pain. Your tears are delicious. Now tell your underachieving bums to hold onto the fucking ball this weekend and beat those filthy thugs from EL.

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  25. Nice to see, even with ND getting their 3 iffy calls a game (Defensive holding? WTF.) And the Drunk Floyd even playing in the game, who should be expelled if father Douchebag had any morals (by the ND student code of conduct), is sickening to anyone who has suffered a tragedy in their lives from a drunk driver. Karma is a bitch. Fuck off and get hurt, Michael. You are an asshole!

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  26. At least you didn't lose to a big east school, oh wait, sorry friend.

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  27. I'll say it again for any jackass who's too damn stupid to comprehend. You talk shit and bad mouth the other team AFTER your team wins, not before they lose in the last 30 seconds. Now it's YOU who is the moron. Lesson learned for next year when Michigan is all seniors and not learning new schemes.

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  28. Suck it bitch.

    GO BLUE.

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  29. Great win but Michigan can't think too much after this win. As the last two year have shown, Big Ten play is a different animal. Notre Dame has been a female version of Bill Maher - a delusional wanna be that is tying very very hard to be different and special, and the harder it tries, the more pathetic it looks.
    Let's get serious, big ten games are coming up!!!

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  30. Notre Dame sucks donkey schlong.

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  31. Stay classy Michigan.

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  32. Returning to glory since the mid 90's.

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  33. Love how classy people are in victory "not". Guys poors his heart out and people piss on him. I'm a huge Michigan fan. I can't imagine how I would have felt if Michigan would have lost one that way. Go blue

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  34. Really embarrassed and disappointed in so many of the jackasses who pose as Michigan fans , but aren't worthy of calling themselves that. Personally I am glad the way the game ended, but any way you look at it, that was another incredible, unforgettable game. The two classiest programs in college football.

    It was a game Michigan really didn't deserve to win. Neither team is anywhere near championship caliber yet. But both schools have an aura that still can't be beat.

    Thanks for keeping the blog Mattare- it was great to get another perspective.
    Go Blue!
    Go Irish!

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  35. Your comments reminded me of the group of assholes sitting next to me in a bar in Indianapolis where I was watching the game. I hate ND, but I have no problem watching a game with other fans that root for teams that I don't EXCEPT when they act like turd munchers like you. I have no fantasies that Michigan is a top 25 team so there is no gloating about the lucky win, but I am going to say FUCK YOU for being a shitty sport and classless fuck on your blog.

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  36. Michigan: 35 Notre Dame: 31
    UM Fan Comments: 231 Grammar & Diction: 0

    One close game and one blowout.

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  37. Man, what are you guys gonna do with Floyd gone next year? hahahaha

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  38. This is great entertainment. Thanks a lot!

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  39. We've (UM) had our share of last second heart-breakers, so I know how I would've felt losing this way. While I usually don't condone the "classy" comments that were posted on here, I think "Mattare"'s rip on Michigan throughout his "Diary" warrants all the negative responses he got.

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  40. To my fellow wolverine fans chastising their fellow wolverine fans on here...really?
    I understand the importance of class in victory, however this guy put himself out there with such classless relish...surely he deserves a few pot shots, no?
    By the way, We Never Graduate...thank you. Thank you so much for this classic example of hubris.

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  41. Mmm, your tears are so yummy and sweet.

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  42. ran out of "michigan" articles to read so i started checking out the ND blogs..man am i HAPPY i read this one...love the rollercoaster of emotions and then the "boo-hoo michigan scored" post at the end...typical ND grads...pale pussies.

    oh yea, fuck you you fucking fuck.

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  43. Screw notre dame. Some of the comments I have read elsewhere on ND blogs about Bo, Ufer, etc. leading up to the game are downright shameful, especially from fans of a "Catholic" university. You got what you deserve and I'm happy it was served up by UM.

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  44. LMAO. Couldn't have happened to a nicer team!

    So, not only does this spectacle result in a Michigan win (undeserved or not), but it is also a Notre Done choke -- a two-fer! AWESOME!

    Maybe the NotreDame Broadcasting Channel will finally pick a team worth watching.

    In the infamous words of Nelson: HA HA!

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  45. This has got to be one of the best reads I've seen in a long time. give you some props for leaving it up
    Go Blue

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  46. "Real Michigan Fans" How are they defined? Fan is short for fanatic which means some people are crazy and obnoxious about their team. If someone talks down on their team, they feel they have to combat that by talking down on that person or his/her team. Desn't make them any less of a fan. As a Michigan fan myself, I appreciate all sides of fandom because I know what it's really about. Some fans are cordial and some are not. Every fan base has them so just because you don't kick someone when their down or defend your team by piling on the opposition, it doesn't make you more of a fan than someone who does.

    On another note: Great win Michigan

    GO BLUE!!!!

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  47. Sorry, Doesn't make them any less of a fan. LOL

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  48. As a Michigan alumni I'm really disappointed by some of these posts. You need to capitalize the "F" and "I" when you write Fuck the Irish. Show some respect, people.

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  49. Sweet Jesus. How have the comments consisted almost exclusively of trolling by Walmart Wolverines?
    And really, Denard Robinson is a great runner, but an ATROCIOUS passer. You can't dispute that.

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  50. Is there a single member of the ND student body who has seen a GOOD Notre Dame football team in their lifetime? Maybe one of the last Lou Holtz teams, while still wearing diapers and having no concept of football.

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  51. Rumplestiltskin for everybody! Except for anyone who roots for M*ch*gan.

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  52. Many thanks for drafting this and leaving it up. I love the running diaries. And, this game was especially well-suited for it. Both teams played inspired and "cover your eyes" awful during the same game. I give credit to the Michigan fans who stayed in the stadium despite being down 24-7 in the 4th quarter. That's loyalty, and they were rewarded. Gosh I hate Michigan. Too bad I respect them so much.

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  53. Take a ride on the big Michigan Suckstick, Asshole!!!

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  54. Boy, this "Anonymous" guy is one pretty tough dude. He has really, really poor grammar though. Must be a Michigan alumnus.

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  55. Coming from a post that is full of the best grammar ever...and still crying about a loss? That must be a Notre Dame alumnus

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